New and Old

It’s been over a month since I left school and entered adulthood. It ‘s really been difficult adjusting from a life you’ve had for 18 years then suddenly plunged to an unknown place where everything’s not like you would’ve thought. All those pressures and expectations dumped on you and no longer having friends backing you up. It is hard.

It is really difficult moving forward, but I now realized that life is like that. You can’t stay trapped in the past and lock yourself from what was happening in reality. It will only pain you more if you refuse reality than to accept it head on.

But the price of moving on is letting go of what you love in the past. For me it was the life I had in college and the company of my friends. Slowly, as I move on, I see the divide I’m creating from my college friends. Whenever I visit them after work, I could see a barrier that sets me apart from them. They no longer treat me as a colleague, but someone older or something, I don’t know, something not like them.

Just last month I’m sharing laughs and sharing jokes with them, but now I usually stay silent and listen to them yapping what they did in school and me slowly not understanding what they were saying.

My friends say I was getting more mature every time they see me. I’m not sure if I could accept that as a complement or that I was immature when I was in college. Perhaps I value each day more than I was an undergrad.

Sometimes I still go back to the past and reminisce what happened during my college years. From entering UP Manila and meeting my first classmates to transferring in Diliman and changing my course. The times I spent in college were the most memorable, and I wouldn’t trade them up for anything.

During my coverage near the Manila Bay, I sat down near the polluted waters and took a deep look at my life. I began remembering the time I spent with my block mates at the bay and the time we went to Bataan for an unsuccessful research that left us stranded at that province for the night.

I remembered the first time I stepped to the College of Mass Communication to secretly file my application to transfer, but was found out when I met my old block mate, who shifted there a year before me, coincidentally as I was leaving the college.

I also remembered just last month when my orgmates and I went to Bacolod to teach high school students. It has been very memorable and I was able to strengthen my bonds with my friends and managed to create new ones at that.

It was fun remembering the blunders and the laughs we shared, and it also hurts because you will never experience the same thing again. Those memories of the past are meant to be in the past. I can no longer go back to them.

I regret that I would not be able to share the same talks with them or the same experience they have had. I wasn’t able to enjoy the company of those I had not been close to before. But I believe in the future, when they graduate and are working, the bond we shared would become stronger just like what is happening now with my high school friends.

So cheers for my first month in reality and let’s continue to move on.

facing the real world

I’ve been working at my job for almost a week, and things were getting better. I was able to contain my emotions better without the need for any crying or feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I was starting to look forward to my job instead of stressing if I’m about to mess something up.

Perhaps it was because I DID mess something up and was shouted at. But by doing that, the pressures were a bit lifted from my shoulders.

Perhaps it was the realizations that I’m already a college graduate and I need to get my ass of the ground and start seriously.

Perhaps I was getting the hang of the job and understood my place in the world.

Perhaps it was because my friends and family were right behind me.

I don’t know why, but I’m not feeling depressed anymore. I hated myself in the past few days for being weak, but I knew I had to do that to remove everything from my system.

I know that there will be times when I’ll be getting depressed again for the same reasons, but I believe I can overcome that now and face it head on

My mind is clearer now, and I’m ready to face the world.

Confused

November has come by and I don’t know what to do. Everything feels like a jumble inside. What should I feel, what am I feeling, or how should I feel. I don’t know.

This month marks my new life. I’m no longer a student and am now part of the real world. I’m scared of facing it because pressures keep piling up without any hint of stopping. All I can do is face it head on and never look back. But I tried and kept failing.

Just fresh out of college then instantly thrust into the professional world without any rest, I feel confined. I don’t know. I miss my friends and classmates. I never had the chance to say goodbye to them, or even relish the thought of just finishing school after eighteen years of studying. My plans of kicking back and taking slowly were shattered by having a job.

I planned to spend this month reflecting on what I should do the rest of my life, but it was suddenly taken away from me without a second thought. I was swept by the glamor that I agreed without thinking of the future. I thought it would be a “great” experience for my career, but for my emotional well-being, it was a train wreck.

I should be happy because these kinds of jobs do not go by often, but being swept with the flow and not taking into considerations my own feelings has made me depressed and confused.

I often cry for no reason, which I have never done before, and feel anxious whenever I wake up in the morning or sleep at night. I wanted to have someone to talk to, but all they do is cheer me on without understanding what I’m going through. It pains me whenever I look at their happy faces while I’m suffering from the shock of being a fresh graduate with a high pressure job. There’s no room inside to straighten it all.

I blindly call out to anyone who would listen to my story, but it falls to deaf ears. I try to stay strong and bottle it up, but it's bound to burst. Even though I was given plenty of advices from family and friends, it was only a temporary relief that would often leave me when I become alone. I tried and I tried to stay strong, but it always fails me when I needed it most.

I want to leave it all behind, to go somewhere far away so that I can understand what is happening inside me. To understand what I really want and do what I really wanted to do. To go someplace that doesn’t confine me to the pressures of reality, someplace safe and secure. But it can only be a dream. A dream I used to have every night, but can no longer have. Sleepless nights have replaced my sanctuary without giving me a speck of contentment.

How I wished time would turn back to the way it was before. Maybe if that happened, I could have said no and find my real self instead of blindly walking a purposeless path.

I really am scared. Please help me. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend.