Confused

November has come by and I don’t know what to do. Everything feels like a jumble inside. What should I feel, what am I feeling, or how should I feel. I don’t know.

This month marks my new life. I’m no longer a student and am now part of the real world. I’m scared of facing it because pressures keep piling up without any hint of stopping. All I can do is face it head on and never look back. But I tried and kept failing.

Just fresh out of college then instantly thrust into the professional world without any rest, I feel confined. I don’t know. I miss my friends and classmates. I never had the chance to say goodbye to them, or even relish the thought of just finishing school after eighteen years of studying. My plans of kicking back and taking slowly were shattered by having a job.

I planned to spend this month reflecting on what I should do the rest of my life, but it was suddenly taken away from me without a second thought. I was swept by the glamor that I agreed without thinking of the future. I thought it would be a “great” experience for my career, but for my emotional well-being, it was a train wreck.

I should be happy because these kinds of jobs do not go by often, but being swept with the flow and not taking into considerations my own feelings has made me depressed and confused.

I often cry for no reason, which I have never done before, and feel anxious whenever I wake up in the morning or sleep at night. I wanted to have someone to talk to, but all they do is cheer me on without understanding what I’m going through. It pains me whenever I look at their happy faces while I’m suffering from the shock of being a fresh graduate with a high pressure job. There’s no room inside to straighten it all.

I blindly call out to anyone who would listen to my story, but it falls to deaf ears. I try to stay strong and bottle it up, but it's bound to burst. Even though I was given plenty of advices from family and friends, it was only a temporary relief that would often leave me when I become alone. I tried and I tried to stay strong, but it always fails me when I needed it most.

I want to leave it all behind, to go somewhere far away so that I can understand what is happening inside me. To understand what I really want and do what I really wanted to do. To go someplace that doesn’t confine me to the pressures of reality, someplace safe and secure. But it can only be a dream. A dream I used to have every night, but can no longer have. Sleepless nights have replaced my sanctuary without giving me a speck of contentment.

How I wished time would turn back to the way it was before. Maybe if that happened, I could have said no and find my real self instead of blindly walking a purposeless path.

I really am scared. Please help me. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend.